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This week's film: Veer-Zaara
Yash Raj Films

Starring: Shah Rukh Khan, Preity Zinta, Rani Mukherji

The film starts with bizarre footage that appears to be inspired from the Successories product line (no doubt discovered in the director’s latest Lufthansa in-flight SkyMall magazine). Aimless mumblings about flowing water, and cool breezes. Words inspired by Simon and Garfunkel, but spoken by someone who must be the James Earl Jones of Indian voiceovers. Maybe it’s the same guy from the beginning of Mahabharat?

The first song, Tere Liye, has Shah Rukh doing his requisite acrobatics, this time in some very green Successories fields. A mystery girl wearing a ton of bangles runs by. Shah Rukh is clearly in love with someone. I bet it’s that chick. They run towards each other, and before we see who the girl is, a shot rings out! The girl drops with a thud.

Sounds a bit like what a Bollywood-hating boyfriend might dream up. But nope, it’s Shah Rukh’s fantasy. He wakes up all sweaty and really nasty looking. He’s in a jail cell! In Lahore, Pakistan!

Whoa, quick change. Camera pans to Rani Mukherji is at a Muslim cemetery, and she’s wearing a simple white churidhar with a dupatta elegantly framing her head. Her eyes are glazed over like she just had some ecstasy. No wait, she’s talking to her deceased father, and she’s all excited about being a lawyer about to handle her first case. She reminds her father about his love for human rights, and leaves.

Now, Rani’s at the jail. The guards harass her briefly for being a “working woman.” She’s non-plussed, and is handling Shah Rukh’s case. He’s been there for 22 years, and hasn’t made a peep. Rani’s ready to fight for Shah Rukh, who we learn is an Indian prisoner.

Rani wants to speak with him alone. He’s curled up under artistic lighting. She smiles at him like Indian people smile at each other at the grocery store and introduces herself. She’s Saamiya Siddique and he’s still curled up in the corner. She says his name for him “Veer Pratap Singh,” and he looks at her. She offers him a second chance at freedom after all these years. She begs him to help her win her case to help women lawyers in Pakistan by telling his story. People keep putting her down, so she’s got fire in her belly!

He looks at her, and grunts a little bit, then looks down. A plane flies overhead. Shah Rukh suddenly takes the opportunity to reveal his vast knowledge of planes and talent for lavish prose. He was a pilot. He flew helicopters. Flashback time, baby!

James Bond music, big snowy mountains, and Shah Rukh looking badasssss.... he deftly navigates his helicopter to rescue frantic idiot trekkers who don’t carry packs and are stuck in the mountains. Veer Pratap Singh was a rescue pilot for the Indian Air Force, and he liked saving people. His father died in the army, so he lived his life unattached, and every moment like it was his last. Hot hot hot!

But a girl came into the picture! The “Zaara” in Veer Zaara. And now, we get to meet the girl (no doubt it’s Preity, but she’s under the covers in a PHAT bedroom). She’s about to get married, her maid is trying to get her to learn how to cook from Iqbal Chacha, and she’s lazy as all hell under the guise of being spunky. It’s time for the next song. Zaara starts singing, acting childishly rebellious, and her maid is charmed. During the song, Zaara bathes in what appears to be sulfur dioxide and flowers, gets dressed, and dances joyfully through all the wedding planning. She rides a bike, takes Granny to mosque, and prays dutifully. Then back to skipping! She seems to think she can get out of this marriage, and she ain’t ever going to change. Which usually means she will change.

The song is over now, and the doctor arrives at Zaara’s home with baaad news. Granny is sick, and her moments are numbered. Granny has some parting request to bury her in India with the other ancestors. They are tearful. Zaara refuses, and says they’ll all go to India together. Too late, Granny is dead. Zaara drops a bowl.

Back to the present, a tumbler falls in the jail cell. Veer got talkative really quickly, and Saamiya has her tape recorder out. She wants to know how Veer and Zaara met.

Flashback! Veer was on a rescue mission, a bus had toppled over, and he had to pick up the last girl. Of course, it’s Zaara. In his voiceover, Veer admits she wasn’t the preitiest girl he had ever seen, but he just couldn’t take his eyes off of her. They appear to be suspended for an unnaturally long time. Veer is obsessed with a tendril of hair that is making small lacerations in Zaara’s left cornea. Suddenly, Zaara drops her backpack, has a shitfit, and demands to be taken down again. The smitten Veer obliges, but then takes her behind the shed about endangering everyone else once they get back. Zaara starts crying.

Now we go back to Zaara’s home, where a hell’s loose. Drama-queen mama (played by Kirron Kher, of course) is having her own fit. Zaara went off to India alone on a bus that crashed, and mama doesn’t like it. Zaara just wanted to do something she could be proud of for her Granny. Zaara says she’s cool (literally) and everyone’s happy.

Zaara hopes to get to the village that night, but there’s a little problem that helps her reconcile with Veer. The next bus only leaves in the morning, and she has to stay at the dhaba campsite that’s part KOA, part Choki Dhani. But Veer is there, and she tells the story of her granny. Veer is moved, but doesn’t say anything.

Next morning, exciting times! Zaara tries to get on the bus, but it’s full and she has to sit on top of it with the losers. Veer is already inside, but he gets on top so he can relive his Chaiyya Chaiyya days, this time on a bus. Veer and Zaara eat sugar cane in the rain in a dream sequence through the countryside invoking Radha and Krishna. There are brief bhangra interludes. Punjabi women spin slowly, and swing together. All of this is under the pretense of Veer introducing India to Zaara, who makes the profound realization that they’re from pretty much the same place. I love romantic movies with a simple political subtext. Makes me think of Henna.

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